Why I Gave Up Dating Men Altogether

“For there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.” – Milan Kundera.

In seventh grade, my classmates and I were given an assignment by our English teacher. The assignment was to compose a fictitious piece through extrapolating on one of two statements: “Love Makes the World Go Around,”or “Money Makes the World Go Around.”

Being the idealistic and naive 13 year old, I wrote a piece that I still remember, about the year 2770, where a paleontologist discovers some wonderfully rare remains of the tyrannosaurus rex, and realizes that because there is not enough compassion left in the world to care about these remains, that he cannot do anything with his discovery.

The lack of love, conflated with a healthy disregard for compassion, was what drove the story. In other words, compassion, in my mind, was inseparable from love. Furthermore, through the writing of the piece, what struck me more was that it was the love of money that would have made the story move forward, but with an “A” under my belt, I chose not to to think about this assignment until fairly recently, where I began to ponder about this early observation about equalling love with compassion, and the absolute necessity of doing thus.

In love with Parisian cafes, always...

In love with Parisian cafes, always…

Flash forward some several years, and I’m in college, about to embark on the longest relationship that I have had to date. The man in question is a spoilt Slovakian jerk, and this is revealed in a horrifying manner to me, when a mutual friend is sent to hospital because of the violence on the football field thanks to my dear beau. Things are further complicated when I find out that his bedroom in Bratislava is a dedicated shrine to me, with hundreds of photographs that I never even knew were snapped.

I’ll contend that ending that particular relationship is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because you really don’t know what kind of a man you’re dealing with, until you see the way they treat someone they consider their non-equal, or when you are made to deal with their neurotic obsession, not with who you are as a human being, but of the way you look. Add this to being called “mojka cocoladka” (“my chocolate”), and the affectionate insult of lovingly dedicated positive racial profiling is complete.

Flash forward some more years, and you find me accepting dates from a plethora of men, as a “healthy” decision to go out there and attempt to meet “the one.”

After all, there comes a time in every woman’s life, somewhere between 23 and 29, where almost everyone you know has begun to procreate, get married, purchase property, and vacation with their soulmate, and I didn’t want to be the last one left standing.

In a span of 17 months, I went out on dates with 15 men from all walks in life. There was the Cuban investment banker, the failed Filipino musician, the obnoxiously rich Bengali entrepreneur, the Greek diplomat’s son, and of course, the Italian IT professional, just to name a few.

My only criteria were that I had to be able to converse with them, and that they be nice to me. That they are all considered universal eye candy tells you the depth of my issues with validation.

Their only criteria, I have come to learn, was that I put out.

When the two ideals clashed, as they invariably always did, we parted ways, with my belief in totalizing ideologies such as love replaced by a growing love of dark chocolate, to substitute all the oxytocin I was not receiving.

What I learned in the process is that all you receive from such short term attention is a deeply distrustful validation about who you are, superficially wrapped in fluffy words and 200 dollar bottles of sauvignon blanc, all made with an attempt to get you to have sex with them.

I needed these men to tell me that I am desirable, but I’ve also realized in the process that someone who is quick to want to take your clothes off has more serious issues than the 21st century bug of speed-dating (or should I call it speed fucking?), and there is something absolutely wrong about someone who doesn’t care about wanting to get to know you as a person for weeks, months, perhaps even years, before you allow for any form of physical intimacy.

Years of wearing braces and being the nerd in the back of the class, alongside being absolutely harangued and gutted when I was the laughing stock of my high school class for having the biggest crush on the Australian hottie (who grew up to be a pot bellied underachiever, go figure), meant that I never quite learned how to love myself from a very early age, and somehow, through all the personal successes I was having in terms of my academics and in my professional life, this gap was never addressed, and unfortunately, I was addressing this through men, who, for whatever their personal reasons were, never cared enough about me as a human being, but more about me as an object.

What I realized in the process of these dates is that I began to find ways to excuse the most deplorable behavior- missed dates, being stood up, being cheated on, to even being physically abused by one man who thought that there was “great evil” inside of me because I didn’t want him to live with me.

I allowed the men I have dated for the past 12 years to basically define the terms of our interactions whilst being so insecure that I lost all sense of self respect or dignity.

Things turned to a head when, last November, I was attending an Emerging Leaders program at Harvard, where, in a group of 64 participants, only a handful of women were present. Being my extroverted and bubbly self, I attracted a lot of attention, but here’s the thing: EVERY single one of these men were married.

And that led me to realize that it doesn’t matter whether you’re married or you’re single, men always chase if they think there is any hope of “the game,” and when and if they realize that they don’t have any “game” going, they don’t back off well. Case in point: I was taken out of the bar one night by my well-meaning French classmate, and told to “quit acting like you’re one of the boys, when you’re really too pretty to be so immune to our advances.”

Aside from the misogynistic and completely disgusting undertone in this statement that anyone is fair game as long as they’re charming and viscerally attractive, was this particularly depressing reality: these high profile men, whose testosterone levels probably put all the rest of humanity to shame, thought that I shouldn’t have the morals to respect their vows, and furthermore, they actually did have the audacity to think that my self esteem was at such a low, that I would allow myself to embark on an extramarital affair.

But life doesn’t quite work like that, and of course I was never going to allow myself to graduate from being a friend to the “other woman.”

In between laughing with friends about being an asshole magnet, I was told during a sobering moment on a fire escape in the early hours of a Park Slope morning just a couple of weeks later from a female friend, in no indubitable terms, “You need to be good to yourself.”

I began to wonder hence, why it is, that being good to myself involves having a man in my life, when what I had witnessed in one of the most premier universities in the entire world, was the exact opposite of this loving and caring man.

Sure, biological clocks are ticking away and at the end of the day, we are all fearful of ending up old and alone, but when did it become an absolute necessity to reach “milestones” such as finding “the one”?

And if we, as heterosexual women haven’t found this “one,” then we’re made to feel inadequate. I couldn’t find an apartment in Bangladesh where the guards and even landlord would stop harassing me. Just because I was single, every time I had a male friend (and even cousins!) over, I had to hear about how “in our society, we really don’t do these things,” as though my entire experience of being an adult is nullified because I don’t have a spouse or a boyfriend.

After November, I was led again to believe I had found “the one” when I met a man, who to this date, has spent almost a year oscillating between telling me how much I mean to him, to irrevocably normalizing each circumstance when he pushed me away. When I was going through a difficult time, he bought me a ticket to see him. Minutes after I boarded a flight, he sent me a message that I didn’t receive until two days later, telling me that he thinks that coming to see him was a bad idea.

I spent the summer of 2014 trying to figure out how to get over this man, especially when I realized that I just couldn’t allow myself to move on, so enamored had I been with his intellect. I stopped saying yes to dates from other men, I cried myself to sleep on a nightly and daily basis, but at the end of it, all I have to show is one single photograph, several hours of Skype conversations, and a Facebook message history that is probably taller than Everest if printed out, and it was a constant mess because I’ve realized that he would never want to make me feel wanted and loved.

And so I finally crystallize a thought that has been with me since Harvard: Yes, it is my right to choose who I want to be with, and if they cannot realize how loving, affectionate, and incredible I am, that is a reason to back off.

After 12 years of being a serial dater, I give up on dating men entirely, because I am neither a piece of meat, nor someone who anyone can lightly just discard, and be expected to come back like a puppy with serious victim complex.

I give up on dating, because I realize now, that I have never met a man who is interested in me, who is compassionate and selfless, and that means I have been doing double the work, every single time, not only in keeping them interested in me, but in reassuring myself that I matter.

I give up dating because I do matter, and I matter to myself. The only person whose validation I hence need, is also myself.

And I know now, thanks to Harvard, that if someone cannot see this at the beginning of a relationship, they will never see it in the middle, or the end, or thereafter. It’s high time that I let the other side of me- a successful and independent woman, shine, instead of being thrust into the soul-defying logic of thinking that loving someone will make them love you.

In an ideal world, it would, but we don’t live in any ideal world.

We live in a world where domestic abuse and alcoholism is rampant, where 50% of US spouses would cheat on us, and almost 60% of weddings end in divorces, whilst we are constantly given cookie-cutter Disney versions of forever to work with whilst everyone around is embarking on affairs.

So why bother with finding this “one” and being hopeful when compassion and love, things that should actually be interlinked, are continually likened to one night stands at the end of which you pretend that you don’t know each other? I’ve seen this happen too many times, and frankly, nothing disgusts me more.

This is the worst reality of 21st century dating, and frankly, chocolate is better than all the men who have tried to win a date with me over the past 12 years.

Chocolate won’t come back to tell you that you don’t matter. It won’t even tell you that you matter one minute and don’t the very next, and it can’t even get you pregnant. It will just release oxytocin, and you can feel all the love you want, and what’s best is you can have as much as you want, as often as you want, and there won’t be the repercussions of any heartbreak (except perhaps to your weight levels, but hey, a small price to pay for such incredible freedom).


49 thoughts on “Why I Gave Up Dating Men Altogether

  1. Awww, too sad! You are a smart, beautiful woman who a lot of men will be lucky to date. But isn’t it hard to maintain a relationship when you are hopping from one place to another?

  2. Did you know that nuclear physicists have one of the lowest divorce rates and bartenders have one of the highest. That 60% divorce rate in the US can be significantly pulled down by being in the right industry and profession 🙂

    • Dear Mr. Whatever with an IP address from Bangladesh, thanks for your insights, but please do note that things DO show up, including your identity, even when you’re trying to be anonymous. So please, have the guts to comment with your real name instead of sending such random and cryptic comments about who I am and what I need to engage with. Peace.

  3. Oh Raad this makes me sad! What awful men you’ve met in your life…
    I say this not as one who thinks you ‘ought to have a man to be really happy’ – because that’s a lot of crap – but because these men in your life have been instrumental in making you feel so screwed up about yourself.
    Speaking as a happily married man and one who is not looking for any ‘bit on the side’ (and so your clothes will be in no danger of being removed in any way whatsoever) I think any guy who didn’t want to really get to know you first was clearly missing out.
    You’re an amazing person, whose writing I admire to the point of adoration (though don’t worry, I have no ‘shrine’ to you anywhere to be found) and I think a decent guy could spend hours with you listening to your life and achievements without ever getting anywhere near thinking about how he can get you into bed.
    I really, really do hope that you won’t give up on us males altogether and that you’ll keep at least one wary eye out for a man who will see you as you are and love what he sees. Not for your sake so much but for that guy’s!

    • Ken, I am sorry for not replying until right now. I do think that what you are saying is correct, and I think I wasn’t clear that it is not all the men in the world, but the ones I have been unfortunate enough to choose to date that occupy the asshole category.

      I think you’re wonderful, and I do appreciate all your feedback on my words, always.

  4. I’ve been going back and forth, deciding whether or not to just give up men altogether. I just feel like they are a waste of my time, like they never see and appreciate me inside as a person.I personally stopped dating years ago after the last guy I dated started beating me. I just quit dating after that and re-evaluated myself, gained back my confidence, and learned to love myself. I realize the mistakes I made when accepting men from the past & I have changed myself & my criteria when choosing partners. But the thought of dating again doesn’t really excite me. I feel like it’s going to be the same old garbage guys & I’m not really stoked about dating men. I’m not lesbian or bisexual, I’m just straight. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I need one amazing relationship to make me see that dating can be a wonderful & rewarding endeavor.

    • I think similarly and wish you all the best… i am sorry to hear of your powerful story and am so moved that you are able to keep on believing… it shows how incredible you are 🙂

  5. You have no idea how less alone your blog post made me feel. For years I believed I was unlovable because of the unkind things men would do–boyfriends and dates alike standing me up, refusing to spend time together even though we were a couple, refusing to take me on dates, being unwilling to join me to pick up a piece of furniture from a craigslist stranger’s house.

    Then I started listening to other women and realized this is how men are. They only want the fun parts. They want to keep their wife but see me in secret and leave me alone on holidays. If I’m as pretty, fun, special as the say why would I accept that.

    There are not enough solvent, sane, relationship oriented men for women who want them. If someone as beautiful and educated as Raad can’t secure a winner We’re all in trouble. Thanks for the feels.

  6. I feel bad for. I too have given up. Married twice and plenty of dates and still asked out frequently but all the issues are far too much. I now choice single life and I truly love it.

    Hopefully you have a strong network of friends and family. This helps greatly.

    One way that I think I differ is I never wanted kids so again..this makes it much easier. Please trust me when I say in time…it won’t bother you at all.

    big hugs.

    • Lol, of course you understand. Because you were with me when I was supporting my asshole ex who refused to get a job for six months because he wanted to be a shaman. Thanks for your understanding.

  7. Hi Darling!
    Very sad to hear so…But I am exactly the same. I am 37 and after uncountable dates, one serious relationship that ended up so badly, men treating me as a one-date object, even the ones I thought were the good ones…I give up.
    I am totally focus on my good job, carrer, family and loved friends, I enjoy food, books and music, and I think even women who think their boyfriends/husbands are good guys, they are fooling themselfs.
    Good luck darling! I wish you lived in Spain where I live and we could be friends.

    • Thank you. I really appreciate such thoughtful feedback as the ones I’ve received from my readers such as you. Perhaps we will cross paths one day in Spain, but until then, you should know that there are tons of us out there… and that I’m here, in case you ever need to vent. Stay beautiful and powerful, as I am sure you will!

  8. Hi there
    This article has helped me so much. I spent ten years married to a man who put me down and in the after math of our split I dated the wrong man again and again. One of your paragraphs struck me so hard about the feeling of making someone else want you and having that person in your life to make you feel better, double the work as you put it.

    I have to go into 2015 being stronger and actually for the first time in my adult life accept being alone and not using men to make me feel like someone who is worth something. I’m a law graduate, chartered accountant and I have two little ones, I’m almost convinced no one is going to want to date a single mum but reading this I realise I just need to have some time alone and leave it be.

    Would love to talk to you and have an update!

    Take care

    Amy xxxx

    • Hi Amy, Thanks so much for your amazing and honest response to this article. I think the hardest thing that most of us have to understand is how difficult it is to love ourselves without a man. I hope that you will come to peace with yourselves. You can reach me at siameseorchid(at)gmail.com, if you would like to continue the conversation. In the meantime, I found this amazing book (which I think relates to all the relationships in your life, and not just kids), called “how to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.” it’s been very helpful in getting me to think beyond the accusations that accompany the abuse.

      I understand your struggle must have been very difficult, and I hope you realize how amazing and wonderful you are, and that if someone does not recognize this, this is their problem, and not yours. The fact that you are able to still have faith in humans is indicative of how awesome you truly are. Sometimes we all need to love ourselves again, before we love others. It helps weed out the horrid folks we encounter. Stopping dating has made me realize how much I have learned from not dating at all, and those are lessons I would have never learned, had I not stopped dating.

  9. I too am giving up on dating. I am young smart, MBA, BSC and a business owner but I don’t want to deal with the crap I have been dealing with since I was old enough to start dating.After having a man get me pregnant then midway decide that he was going to leave me and that I should figure it out on my own. Thank god for the pro-choice movement. I wish you well!

    • Ouch, that sounds like a very rough experience altogether. Good luck with everything. I wish you the very best too… From friends who have had an abortion, I’ve come to realize that it can be psychologically difficult to terminate a pregnancy, especially when you’re past your first trimester, so I wish you the very best. I understand how difficult your dilemma must have been, and am glad you took steps that would prevent you from having to deal with the alternative- which is a lot more expensive, and psychologically daunting. xx

  10. Everything you wrote abour is absolutely true. It’s so unfortunate that men fail to see all of your amazing qualities. The future generations are just going to get worse -.-

  11. Hi- I read this post exactly at the right time. Your story really gripped me. I have often called myself a “broken chooser.” Somehow I keep finding myself with men who treat me as less – than. (I’m 37 and the latest had me move to California for him when pregnant, dumped me at 33 weeks pregnant for his dental assistant, then turned around and sued me for custody.) My son is 6 months old now. Miraculously, I’m skinnier than ever (I’m on the single parent stress diet) so I can go on dates, but when I do men seem to pick up on my vulnerability like shams on chum. It either repels them completely or they seem to think they can get me into bed really fast. Even though people tell me I’m very attractive, I don’t even know what this means anymore. I’ve had women tell me that they are jealous of me because of my looks and body, but truly, it hasn’t done me any good my entire life. It may be the men I’m picking or it may just be bad luck. It is very hard though to accept the reality that I may be alone forever. My lawyer today told me that I’ll likely get re-married, but I just highly doubt this. I can’t even get a second date with men I am interested in who is obviously using me as a back-up date. So, I Googled “Giving up on dating” to see how to get myself in a place emotionally to give up on the idea of a partner.

    I feel for you especially because you are in India. I’ve known many Indians through the years and there seems to be a much more conformist culture. And, frankly, the Indian men I’ve known did not seem to have a great deal of respect for women. (I know that is a generalization btw, just my observation) Just know that many women all over the world feel just as you do. And yes, you are really beautiful, but I wonder if that actually makes it harder sometimes. Society tells us that beauty and looks are so deeply important and valued; which is why we women spend so much on our hair, waxing, manicures, skin creams, makeup, etc. Not to mention clothes and shoes!!

    I think 2015 will be a date-free year for me (I’ve been on 1 date but that will be the last. I am scared because I’m going to be 40 soon, but you know what, I will survive just fine. I’ll keep reading your blog and am eager to hear how it goes for you.

  12. Thanks for writing this. Dating is exhausting. Witnessing the world’s lack of compassion is even more difficult. I’m with you, I want to be done too!

  13. Wow that was inspiring ! After 21 years trying to find the ‘right’ man, a four year relationship, lots of short term and /or casual relationships and about 8 years of online dating I’ve decided to throw in the towel. I’m 37, reasonably attractive and earn more money than about 80% of the men I meet, despite a difficult childhood. Most dates I go on end in disappointment, often within about an hour of the date because the guy just isn’t grown up enough – there are so many Peter Pans / mummy’s boys out there and they just want women like me to take care of them – no thank you! As a woman it’s easy to start feeling that you are defective as there is such a stigma against it, e.g. ‘old spinster’ or ‘cat lady’ stereotype. Ironically it’s worse if you’re attractive as people think there really must be something wrong, or you’re a lesbian. Men really do have all the breaks in the dating game, but I think I’ve played my hand and now it’s time to live my life for me. Thanks for writing this – good to know other women out there are experiencing and feeling the same way…

  14. Thank you Raad. This is the most honest, eloquent article I have ever read about dating. Like you and many others on this site, I have either experienced lies, cheating, manipulation or being used for money (in some cases all 4) by every man I have met since my divorce 4 years ago. I haven’t been dating as long as many respondents have, but your words …’I have never met a man who was interested in me…someone compassionate and selfless, that means I’ve been doing double the work…’ are absolutely true about dating. It has brought me (sounds like many others) nothing but heartbreak and sadness. Albert Einstein quote…’Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’ should be amended to “dating=Insanity:…’ And why I have also taken the oath to love myself and stop the insanity, I mean dating.
    Wishing everyone peace and love within.

  15. I love your perspective. As of four months ago I gave up dating, mostly for the reason you have so accuretly identified. Men have little interest in getting to know me, and more with being intimate. It really disgusts me.

  16. Thank you for writing this it made me weep. What an incredibly massive list of ass-hat dates. You obviously deserve so much better, I wish you the best in the future.

    I’m 24 and had almost a 3 year break from dating, after a serious relationship which was not right for either of us, especially me. Now I am 2 months into intimate relationship with someone who started out as a friend and I realise he’s only around when drunk and puts more effort into hiding it from our mutual friends. Sick of being used especially when the guy is meant to be a good person. Will not miss the dating at all, it’s nice feeling attractive for a while but in reality dating slimebags is self destructive.

  17. Hi Raad… I’m a British Bengali woman too. Like you, I have also dated many manipulative men who wanted one thing from me and went to great lengths to try and get it. Thankfully, I didn’t hang around too long with any of them… But the damage they do to your heart does not fully escape you. I did eventually meet one wonderful Bengali man who treated me like I was the most amazing woman on earth. We didn’t even date, yet he did everything for me without wanting anything in return. Admittedly, I wasn’t attracted to him straight away (like you, I had validation issues too, maybe still do)… But over time as he fixed my broken heart with his unconditional love he became the most attractive man on earth to me. To this day, no other man has treated me better. Probably not even my own father, I terms of affection… And therein lies the sad truth of why I think I fell into bad relationships… Because I didn’t know what a good one looked like. I didn’t receive much affection from my father… Mother or relatives (there were not many where we lived). Is this why I was searching frantically for love elsewhere… Was this visible to the predators out there?

    From what you can deduce, that wonderful relationship ended leaving me even more broken than before. And this time, I fixed myself… I loved myself. So much so, I don’t even waste a minute on an idiotic man. Ironically, the man who taught me this was also the man that left me.

    I feel I can live without a man now… But I want children, so what does a woman do?

    • I can relate to your history with the wonderful man, at the end all leave, not matter how good you are. I gave up too. I wish you a wonderful life.

  18. Hey Raad!

    I actually went through your piece. Honestly it would be wrong to deny the truth in it.
    Now! Do give this track a listen: https://soundcloud.com/republicofmusic/03-ghosts-the-presets
    Listening to it as I type on this broken-piece-of-crap external keyboard. lol
    At some point in my life I could have probably written a lot more. However…. despite that I shall try to write what I think.

    It is such a shame that none of the men you have been with were able to shower you with genuine warmth and affection to nurture something real. As long you don’t turn to stone you’ll live to see another dawn eh? I am definitely sure that there are guys out there who have faced similar circumstances and have not been able to recover. You on the other hand have done well in that regards to failed-relationships and being an accomplished woman too. (HATS OFF yo!) So… we all march forward into the future regardless right? By the way nice pic. It is delightful to read the work of such penmanship.

    I could share personal experience regarding relationships and stuff….. however I shall not do so here like duh! 😀

    Message to all of you out there…. there are knights out there seeking the fair maiden, the damsel in distress, the snow white, etc…. Have faith ladies and gents… and do try to go out there and see who is around… though it is quite a challenge… what is this life without any challenge?

    My Sincere Regards,


  19. Interesting read, this, as are all your musings. I can relate, even though I am male. Like you, I am multicultural and of South Asian origin. A bit older, though, and maybe a bit wiser. I see a lot of depth in you, but I wonder if you hide it when you date. Many people sabotage themselves and need to learn how to guard against it. It seems (and I don’t think it defines you, don’t get me wrong), the people who connect with would need to know where Park Slope is, skiing in Switzerland, the plight of refugees, and Parisian cafes and London eateries and Bengali markets. There is this element of “I am worldly, can you relate?” It attracts self-aggrandizing jerks who tell tall, narcissistic tales.

    Seek depth. The slow burn, rather than the short fuse, the quiet but authoritative and curious type, rather than the loud self-promoter who thinks he knows a lot.

    The sex thing is a balancing act. Sex is good, it should never be made into a bad thing, but it should always be in the proper context. It’s tricky to figure out how to lay this out as a ground rule without spoiling it, I get that. Real men want good sex more than just casual sex, and they are not scared of relationships. I am shuddering, reading about your relationship experiences as well as the ones in the comments here. Yikes!

    The right man will be done with conquests and will want a relationship. He will want it only with the right person, and he will be willing to leave things at the friendship level or maturely end things with no recrimination. Your challenge is to be correct in your assessment. There are many pretenders, no doubt. There are techniques for establishing truth–challenging situations, clever questions, etc. Learn those. When you are dating 17 men in 16 months or whatever, you are throwing darts. It is not a numbers game and it won’t work.

    There is also a process of growing together, and adjustment. See if you can be open without compromising on your limits. Men and women communicate differently–read up.

    That said, some practical advice:
    Be in the moment, with awareness. It’s not about giving up and it’s not about being on the prowl. Be open, but within the framework of self-respect, appreciation, and long-term perspective. If you are not giddy with gladness, know why, and move on. Is there a glow? For both of you?

    You adore your nephews and niece (from what I can tell). Find someone as crazy about kids. As crazy about photography. Or with his own brand of craziness that you like and admire and are intrigued by (maybe it’s tinkering with motorcycles, woodworking, sketching pubs in the rain, volunteering somewhere, I dunno–you will know when you see it). Forget the credentials (Cuban this, Italian that, good looks, check), look for substance. And make sure the ground rules, the boundaries, the signals, all align.

  20. 27 year old and also I have up on dating. Its just hard. It gets me mad when people feel pity for us😡😡😡 Specially in the Hispanic culture.

  21. I am 35 and a single mother of two boys ages 15 and 12, I’ve been single for 3 years and 2 years without sex. I have been told men will never date a single mom, I am beginning to believe it. I have my two sons with my very first boyfriend (relationship lasted 8 years) , he was very abusive. Last man I was interested in, told me men won’t date single moms let alone a single mother with an Autistic child. That’s when I finally gave up. I am pretty plain but I am a marathon runner, men hate athletic woman, so I’ve been told. As of this year I went full blown WGTOW ( women/woman going their own way)! Best decision I have ever made.

  22. I’m 36 years old African American woman, which my mother has given me the nickname “international serial dater.” I must say, as I get older giving up is all I have left to save my dignity and emotional health. I’ve done everything right, from the books I’ve bought about relationships “the right and wrong way to date”, or oh my word, the rules. Dear god so many rules to follow. Yet I continue to get disappointed. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to have a family because I am stuck without a promising prospector. I want to be a mother but I don’t want to be labeled or have society casket me to the statistic of being another black female having a child out of wedlock. I am educated, well traveled, conscientious, and very independent. I have learned to love myself and I hate it when I am told to “learn to love yourself or boost your self-esteem.” Once I healed from emotionally abusive relationships in my life. Self-love was a piece of cake. I even just accepted that the dating pool is just full of Carps compared to women like most of us are of the breed of Wild Caught Salmon. 😉 Seven years of dating and being single. I agree with Raad. I have made the decision to give up on dating.
    P.S: Online dating is the worst! Not bitter just speaking from pure honesty.

  23. I’m a 34 year old woman & I am finally happy to be free of dating! I always dreamed about giving up & moving out to the desert in a Winnebago with my cats. Now, today I am brave enough to not run. I just bought a house 5 minutes from where I’ve rented an apartment for the past decade. I have many friends. I don’t have to be controlled, asked “where you been?”, Or “are you mad?” The truth is… I was never mad. I felt an extreme pain of sadness in my deepest relationships when I realized this is not romance.
    This is not love.
    They were struggling for power but I could not give up my own free will. Men try to fit you into a category that they have created in their own mind that resembles who their ideal fantasy girl is. One guy wanted Goth Girl. One wanted Cool With Dogs & Football Girl. Porn Girl. High School Flirt Girl. I’m just me & they would fight back when I didn’t fit their ideals. I won’t do that sexy thing all the girls are doing, I won’t be like your ex & call you every day in a whiny child voice “Lub Yoooou” or really any girl that’s done anything. I am an individual and that really throws them off.
    I told my friend this analogy the other day:
    Dating is like swimming in the pool. There comes a time when you just don’t want to get in anymore. It’s too much work. The changing, drying off, etc. It’s cold, it’s not fun like it used to be. But you’re not upset about it. You just look at the pool & say, “Eh, not today.” Maybe eventually say swimming is not for me. Especially after drowning in the deep end a few times. “Swimming is not for me.” I have the same attitude towards dating. I remember the good times but it’s not worth it all. Swimming could be interchanged of course with anything such as clubbing, playing basketball, going to a show. One thing that used to give you great joy that you are not sad at all to see it go.

    • Good for you! Men don’t love. Its a myth men created to entrap women. Go on and be happy! The oldest people on earth are often spinster ladies who made it a point to avoid marriage. Avoiding marriage gave them a longer life! Google it:) good luck.

  24. I totally empathize.

    A good number of men want nothing but sex from women. A good number of men want companionship but only when it is convenient to them. Most men cheat. A good number of men simply want a maid and a sex toy in the name of a wife. Some marry simply for social approval. A good number of guys become emotionally unavailable after the cooling off period. A good number of guys engage in domestic violence. A good number of guys abuse substances. A good number of guys show financial recklessness. A good numbers of guys don’t understand love and confuse it with passion and abandon their girlfriends/wives/children for other women/bachelorhood. A good number of guys are short-tempered and/or bad-tempered. A good number of guys are extremely perverted (just look at the porn). A good number of guys value their career/hobbies/drinking buddies too highly to give enough time to a relationship. Most guys do not have enough emotional intelligence or communication skills to constructively handle conflicts: a woman is easily called crazy or a nag.

    At least one of the above statements holds true for the vast majority of men. For most men, more than one holds true. Blame the patriarchy. Blame the consumerist culture. Blame whatever but keep it real: the vast majority of women are not going to find a good man simply because there aren’t enough good available men. The truly good ones – kind, giving, responsible, emotionally intelligent, love-driven – most likely found partners while they were still in college and they are unlikely to break up. After a certain age, women are better off focusing their energy on more constructive things rather than trying to find a diamond in the rough!

    • Amy mam you are one of few ladies who just sees it like it is, and it aint pretty. See romance is nothing but a patriarchal myth. The reality of men is no romance. Keep being strong and independent. Kissxoxo

  25. As a 35 year old woman whom has spent 20 years being treated like a toilet for men, I found your article refreshing. Thank you. I also give up. I’m done.


  26. Love and compassion, I have never asked for more and needless to say I got everything but that. I had totally given up thinking that a man bearing both traits would ever cross my path. What really gave me this belief is a similar experience you had – the idea that one is fair game because they are charming, attractive and therefore an assumption that “I would allow myself to embark on an extramarital affair” because a man desires me. Luckily, my self-esteem is just as high and would not let me go there. I have been disappointed and disillusioned for these are nice (if you cared to ask anyone)”, high profile men whom I was happy for because I thought they were in good relationships. Fortunately for now (stay tune in for part two) I can end my story on a happier note. I recently met someone who seems loving and compassionate most of all he wants me to be good to myself.

  27. Awesome read! I am happy but also disappointed to find out that I am not the only woman who has had these painful experiences with men. Its physically making me sick these days trying to find “the one” and began building. Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. I am also going to go my own way so that I can start enjoying my time in life again. I’ve given the emotional rollercoaster enough screams. Chocolate strawberries, here I come, Baby!

  28. I am 47, divorced from a seven-year-marriage ten years ago, and gave up men entirely six years ago. It was one of the best mental, emotional and physical decisions I ever made!

  29. Raad, Congratulations on your courage and empiricism. Gottman institute the relationship research center says the secret to a successful relationship is in the hands of the man. The ones that is who agreed to be studied in relationships to start with so I suspect it excluded a majority statistically who aren’t even in the pool ever. Sixty Five percent of the men in their studies excalated arguments and literally destroyed the relationships day in and day out. Only 1/3 had an ability to “accept influence’– that is Partner with their female partner. The majority of the men behaved as if they were in coercive power relationships. Ive given up dating after learning over and over despite, two letters being a complete sentence, being an expert and clear communicator regarding boundaries and opportunities for mutual positive experiences that what the goal seems to be for most of them is winning some stupid game. Gottman’s expanation for this was absurdly simple. It’s in plain site in front of all of our eyes. Men do not have relationships in general. Being a couple is a relationship. For most men it may be the only relationship they ever actually have. They don’t know what they are, how to behave, what the goal is at all. They live through competition, seeing women as mother’s first- to care and wait on them- their friendships are usually around some status materialistic achieving or being the alpha something. That even 35% have an idea of relationship as two people with mutual goals of expressing shared values is astonishing. So if I spend time with a man at all the first thing I look for is signs he is interested in taking influence from me. Does he listen to what I think, is he interested or is he just one upping me or boring me with his achievements. Does he engage at all. As women we’re wired to engage and relate. I often wonder from an evolutionary perspective if relatiionships only ever occurred because of the village factor– there was an army of a village training a man how to relate and family consequences of failing but no- we know that didn’t happen as women have been slave class for most of the history of mankind. When were women allowed to have credit cards? When was the telephone invented? Thank you for your courage and beautiful writing. I’ve been married twice. Once to an MIT person who turned into a coke addict an still is renowned in his field and pulled the pity card in the divorce. Second one was to a brilliant trustifarian ( didn’t know my mother in law was always gonna be there to take care of his material wish lists so we could actually never be our own team– Just how it goes in some families. She didn’t mean harm- just wanted to help her true love, her husband was the CEO forever having affairs…ugh). who in the end would rather live alone off his wealthy parents than be a partner. No one i go out with doesn’t want to go out with me again if there is a chance of the put out. I’ve on rare occasions have someone say– I just really want a friend and companion but shortly after the when can we have sex nonsense starts again. And it isn’t about sex even- it’s about them winning something. Anything. Getting over. Stupid. Sad. tiring.

  30. Also, Raad. Clare Murphy has dedicated her career to exposing relationships of coercive control. Her information is refreshing. I am not a man hater. I have three brothers. One of them has a genuine partnership with a woman, the other two are in relationships of coercive control ( Gottman’s 65% in my own sibling group). Here’s her work. Maybe you can share it. She’s in Brisbane.https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/male-perpetrators-domestic-violence/mens-tactics

  31. After being repeatedly played by men and never finding someone who I could have a proper relationship with I have also decided to give up on dating guys. It helps that I don’t have a strong desire to be a mother. Fortunately, my friends don’t put pressure on me to or quiz me about finding a man. wish we all come together and meet. I will continue to focus on my friends and travelling and I want to start hosting female guests from overseas in my home. I agree that there aren’t enough men who want to have a loving relationship with a woman.

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